To brighten your day...a few funny quotes

"I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they're crouching and hidden."
Steve Martin

"Baseball is ninety percent mental. The other half is physical." Yogi Berra

"When you come to a fork in the road ... Take it." Yogi Berra

"The future ain't what it used to be." Yogi Berra

"Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them." Abraham Lincoln

“Politics: 'Poli a Latin word meaning 'many'; and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.” Robin Williams

“If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.” Robin Williams (bad, but it's true!)

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face." Rodney Dangerfield

"Yeah, I know I'm ugly...I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.' " Rodney Dangerfield

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." Mark Twain

"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most." Mark Twain

"Make crime pay - become a lawyer." Will Rogers

"The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!" Will Rogers

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. " Steven Wright

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. " Bill Cosby

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. " Bill Cosby

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. " George Burns ;)

"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people. " Rodney Dangerfield

"I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. " Charles Schulz

"I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. " Mitch Hedberg

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. " Rita Rudner

"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. " Emo Phillips

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. " Brooke Shields (I'm sure this was unintentional, which makes it all the more funny to me...)

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? " George Carlin (I wondered this when I flew to Wisconsin...)